An Awkward Rant

16 01 2012

Today I figured I would tackle perhaps the most annoying, overused, and now meaningless word in the English language: Awkward. The use of this awful word is hopefully just a sick fad that will blow over in time, like auto-erotic asphyxiation. Nothing is more frustrating and fucking infuriating than opening up my face book and every persons status has that goddamn word in it. Here is a real example I literally just copy and pasted:

“Lesson learned for today: If you’re going bowling, it’s extremely awkward to tell the cashier that your name on the screen is Cupcake…”

Well Cupcake, fuck you. If you want to be called Cupcake it doesn’t have to be fucking awkward. You chose the name jackass! Did you think people wouldn’t see it on the monitor above your lane? In fact, if you tell that guy your name is cupcake, with a straight face, it would probably be hilarious just seeing his response.

Here is another:

‎”That awkward moment when you get a package and you think you’re popular… then you find out it’s a school book….”

First off discounting the erroneous apostrophe in “it’s”, this status offends me even more with it’s use of the phrase “that awkward moment when…” Fuck that phrase! Nothing makes me rage more than that idiotic mess of words that should be banned from the modern world. According to dictionary.com, the definition of awkward is:

awk·ward

[awk-werd]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

lacking skill or dexterity; clumsy.
2.

lacking grace or ease in movement: an awkward gesture; an awkward dancer.
3.

lacking social graces or manners: a simple, awkward frontiersman.
4.

not well planned or designed for easy or effective use: anawkward instrument; an awkward method.
5.

requiring caution; somewhat hazardous; dangerous: an awkward turn in the road.

What part of opening a package and finding a school book could fit into any of those 5 definitions? None. At least Cupcake up there kind of applies to 3 depending on your social skills.

I can distinctly remember the modern origins of this stupid fad. Sometime around maybe 8th grade or freshman year of high school for me, the phrase “awkward silence” spawned from the bowels of the underworld. It looked probably something like that scene from the first The Lord of the Rings movie where Saruman was creating an army of Uruk-Hai from what looked like mud-sphincters.

*not depicted: mud-sphincter*

I could be having a good conversation with some wonderful friends and then we would run out of things to say, or even just get caught up in eating dinner and sure enough some asshole would look up and go “oooh awkward silence.” Fuck that shit. What is awkward about all of us chewing our food and choosing not to speak because we don’t want to show everyone the disgusting mush we’re swishing around in our mouths? This may not have happened but lets say someone did speak with their mouth full, sure enough that same asshole I bet would say, “Hey! You are lacking social graces and manners, stop chewing with your mouth full it is making this dinner very awkward.” That would be the point in this tragic tale where my hand slips and ‘accidentally’ drops cyanide into his Pepsi. (Only assholes drink Pepsi.) He would take a swig and not so tragically fall to the ground gasping for air, puking, and with tears swelling in his eyes say again, “Et tu, Kevin? Well this is awkward just laying here puking and coughing–” Don’t worry readers, I stomped on the asshole’s head before he could get the rest out, but I’m sure he would have found a way to use the word a few more times.

My dear readers, as your short attention spans are probably waning I feel I should end this tirade on a high note as I wish to leave you with the image of me killing someone for saying “awkward”. Yes, I am mentally unstable. Please let that be a warning to any of you who would dare use such words in my presence.

That’s all folks.
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