2012: Get Rich or Die Mayan

25 01 2012

Hello again jackasses. I hadn’t posted in a long time, but I (unlike inferior bloggers) will not apologize for this delay. I write on my own damn schedule. Before we dive into things I need to cite my sources on that title: “Get Rich or Die Mayan” -nobody of importance.

As December 21 draws nearer some of my friends that I would consider smart or at least not vegetables (my apologies to the Schiavo family) have voiced concerns about this doomsday theory. “Guys, what if it really happens?” “Think about all the political turmoil and unrest right now!” “Yeah! And all these natural disasters keep occurring!” “Well I’m going to spend December 20th with my family, just in case.” Well there is one gigantic gaping hole in all that damn logic. The year isn’t 2012. The year falls somewhere between 2016 and 2020

“But Kevin,” you say “my calender tends to disagree with you.” Well dear reader, if paper talks to you; there are pills for that somewhere. Historians have concluded that King Herod (the king that ordered the death of Jesus as a baby) died in 4 BC. This has been calculated to a reported solar eclipse in the same season as his death. Therefore Jesus had to have been born in 4 BC or just earlier. Then you have a man by the name of┬áDionysius Exiguus who counted the term of each Pope backwards all the way to St. Peter and then to the birth of Christ. He was incredibly accurate, for a man living around 5oo AD. He actually miscalculated by approximately another 4 years. So yes you heard it here first folks! The December 21, 2012 Apocalypse has already happened! Take a big sigh of relief while I go into more reasons why anyone who believes the world is going to end this year might have an extra chromosome.

Lets just start with the Mayans themselves. First of all, there is no reason to associate the end of the world with December 21, 2012 because this is just the end of one B’ak’tun and the start of the next. 1 B’ak’tun is 144,000 days. Meaning our current one, the 13th began ┬áthe last time the world ended, September 18, 1618 AD. I’m sure none of us will soon forget the horrors seen that day.

September 18, 1618. Never Forget.

Furthermore, the Mayans based this system of B’ak’tuns on the alignments and movement of the stars. The problem with this is that the stars aren’t actually where you see them. That’s where they were millions of years ago. Granted Mayans probably didn’t know the speed of light but you’d think the aliens that came down and taught them agriculture and gave them crystal skulls would at least tell them that.

Aliens...

For the sake of me being hilarious, lets assume that Mayans were actually really good at predicting shit. That would have really come in handy against the conquistadors who raped their women, sacked their cities, and killed everything else. If Mayans can accurately predict the end of the world I think they would be around today.

Well guys, until next time.

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