2012: Get Rich or Die Mayan

25 01 2012

Hello again jackasses. I hadn’t posted in a long time, but I (unlike inferior bloggers) will not apologize for this delay. I write on my own damn schedule. Before we dive into things I need to cite my sources on that title: “Get Rich or Die Mayan” -nobody of importance.

As December 21 draws nearer some of my friends that I would consider smart or at least not vegetables (my apologies to the Schiavo family) have voiced concerns about this doomsday theory. “Guys, what if it really happens?” “Think about all the political turmoil and unrest right now!” “Yeah! And all these natural disasters keep occurring!” “Well I’m going to spend December 20th with my family, just in case.” Well there is one gigantic gaping hole in all that damn logic. The year isn’t 2012. The year falls somewhere between 2016 and 2020

“But Kevin,” you say “my calender tends to disagree with you.” Well dear reader, if paper talks to you; there are pills for that somewhere. Historians have concluded that King Herod (the king that ordered the death of Jesus as a baby) died in 4 BC. This has been calculated to a reported solar eclipse in the same season as his death. Therefore Jesus had to have been born in 4 BC or just earlier. Then you have a man by the name of Dionysius Exiguus who counted the term of each Pope backwards all the way to St. Peter and then to the birth of Christ. He was incredibly accurate, for a man living around 5oo AD. He actually miscalculated by approximately another 4 years. So yes you heard it here first folks! The December 21, 2012 Apocalypse has already happened! Take a big sigh of relief while I go into more reasons why anyone who believes the world is going to end this year might have an extra chromosome.

Lets just start with the Mayans themselves. First of all, there is no reason to associate the end of the world with December 21, 2012 because this is just the end of one B’ak’tun and the start of the next. 1 B’ak’tun is 144,000 days. Meaning our current one, the 13th began  the last time the world ended, September 18, 1618 AD. I’m sure none of us will soon forget the horrors seen that day.

September 18, 1618. Never Forget.

Furthermore, the Mayans based this system of B’ak’tuns on the alignments and movement of the stars. The problem with this is that the stars aren’t actually where you see them. That’s where they were millions of years ago. Granted Mayans probably didn’t know the speed of light but you’d think the aliens that came down and taught them agriculture and gave them crystal skulls would at least tell them that.

Aliens...

For the sake of me being hilarious, lets assume that Mayans were actually really good at predicting shit. That would have really come in handy against the conquistadors who raped their women, sacked their cities, and killed everything else. If Mayans can accurately predict the end of the world I think they would be around today.

Well guys, until next time.

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An Awkward Rant

16 01 2012

Today I figured I would tackle perhaps the most annoying, overused, and now meaningless word in the English language: Awkward. The use of this awful word is hopefully just a sick fad that will blow over in time, like auto-erotic asphyxiation. Nothing is more frustrating and fucking infuriating than opening up my face book and every persons status has that goddamn word in it. Here is a real example I literally just copy and pasted:

“Lesson learned for today: If you’re going bowling, it’s extremely awkward to tell the cashier that your name on the screen is Cupcake…”

Well Cupcake, fuck you. If you want to be called Cupcake it doesn’t have to be fucking awkward. You chose the name jackass! Did you think people wouldn’t see it on the monitor above your lane? In fact, if you tell that guy your name is cupcake, with a straight face, it would probably be hilarious just seeing his response.

Here is another:

‎”That awkward moment when you get a package and you think you’re popular… then you find out it’s a school book….”

First off discounting the erroneous apostrophe in “it’s”, this status offends me even more with it’s use of the phrase “that awkward moment when…” Fuck that phrase! Nothing makes me rage more than that idiotic mess of words that should be banned from the modern world. According to dictionary.com, the definition of awkward is:

awk·ward

[awk-werd]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

lacking skill or dexterity; clumsy.
2.

lacking grace or ease in movement: an awkward gesture; an awkward dancer.
3.

lacking social graces or manners: a simple, awkward frontiersman.
4.

not well planned or designed for easy or effective use: anawkward instrument; an awkward method.
5.

requiring caution; somewhat hazardous; dangerous: an awkward turn in the road.

What part of opening a package and finding a school book could fit into any of those 5 definitions? None. At least Cupcake up there kind of applies to 3 depending on your social skills.

I can distinctly remember the modern origins of this stupid fad. Sometime around maybe 8th grade or freshman year of high school for me, the phrase “awkward silence” spawned from the bowels of the underworld. It looked probably something like that scene from the first The Lord of the Rings movie where Saruman was creating an army of Uruk-Hai from what looked like mud-sphincters.

*not depicted: mud-sphincter*

I could be having a good conversation with some wonderful friends and then we would run out of things to say, or even just get caught up in eating dinner and sure enough some asshole would look up and go “oooh awkward silence.” Fuck that shit. What is awkward about all of us chewing our food and choosing not to speak because we don’t want to show everyone the disgusting mush we’re swishing around in our mouths? This may not have happened but lets say someone did speak with their mouth full, sure enough that same asshole I bet would say, “Hey! You are lacking social graces and manners, stop chewing with your mouth full it is making this dinner very awkward.” That would be the point in this tragic tale where my hand slips and ‘accidentally’ drops cyanide into his Pepsi. (Only assholes drink Pepsi.) He would take a swig and not so tragically fall to the ground gasping for air, puking, and with tears swelling in his eyes say again, “Et tu, Kevin? Well this is awkward just laying here puking and coughing–” Don’t worry readers, I stomped on the asshole’s head before he could get the rest out, but I’m sure he would have found a way to use the word a few more times.

My dear readers, as your short attention spans are probably waning I feel I should end this tirade on a high note as I wish to leave you with the image of me killing someone for saying “awkward”. Yes, I am mentally unstable. Please let that be a warning to any of you who would dare use such words in my presence.

That’s all folks.




First Post

15 01 2012

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my first blog post. I am still trying to figure out this whole thing, what with all the pages, menus, tags, categories. It is rather confusing, but I believe in myself.

Do you like that green paisley up there? I really admire it too. I realize some of the less cultured readers might have answered no. Sorry but I can’t please everyone and I, for one, love paisley. If however the paisley is becoming a serious problem to your well being then, suck it up. I chose paisley because it’s elegant design is timeless and also because it actually holds no significance to what I plan on writing about, therefore I do not limit myself to only writing about the contents of my header. Ironic, I know because all I have written about so far is my header… Touché reader… Touché.